Taking the time to focus on me after a major life change. It may lead to emotional breakdowns, new experiences, and interesting feelings, but it is certainly time I adjusted my mindset and lifestyle.
Back in July, my relationship of just under four years ended ( three years and ten months to be exact.) I was shocked and surprised and completely heartbroken. Though I still have a hard time believing it, writing this somehow makes it more real. With a relationship that consumed my life and filled every memory and space with love, I was never prepared to say goodbye. However, when the other person is no longer in love, there is no point in holding on and making them miserable just because you can't let go; that isn't love, it is pain. Even worse than losing the man that I loved completely and thought I would spend the rest of my life with, I lost my best friend. No one truly prepares you for that with breakups. If you end on terms without hate, how do you deal with the fact that you no longer can share everything with this person who has meant everything for so long. I am still working on that and I have at least one breakdown a week either when I find something else that brings up a memory, (this week was a postcard from the restaurant we would go to for every anniversary or special outing) or when I have a few minutes of quiet and past conversations play over and over in my head. At the end of the day, all I want is for him to be happy, I just wish that I could have been a part of that happiness for him.
For me, I want to reclaim the parts of me that I have pushed aside a bit in an effort to put my relationship first. There is only so much time in the day, usually less for me because I tend to fall asleep fairly early, and after a long work day all I wanted was to spend time with my love and our dog. Now, I have more time! So, I am finding ways to incorporate my passions into my life in a way that is healthy and fun and maybe a little bit selfish, but right now that feels like the way to heal.
I started swimming again. I have been coaching for so long now and truly loving every second of it but I do miss competing for myself. There is only so much control I have over how my kids perform and push themselves. I have full control over myself and I love the endorphin rush I get from a hard workout and even more so from a fast race. I started practicing with a Master's swim team full of great swimmers, kind people, and a fun energy. They brought an excitement for participating back into my life. Then I was able to swim in a coaches relay at a fun high school meet and that made me want to feel the rush of competition again. Swimming is such a huge part of my life and the fact that I have gone so long without being in the water consistently is so sad. I am looking forward to meets and practices and the struggles of working out, but feeling accomplished in finishing a set. Who knows, maybe I will start training for triathlons soon... but I will have to get over my fear of open water... and learn how to balance on a bike confidently again... and have a desire to run further than three miles at a time. For now, I will swim in a nice chlorinated pool!
Surprising as it may be, when you and the person you live with breakup, continuing to live with them is not so much of an option anymore. So, I was put in a situation where I needed to move back in with my parents. For the first three weeks, I tried to prioritize finding a new place of my own closer to my job. I'd started a job closer to his house once I moved in and now I have a further commute which is not ideal. To add the the stress of moving back home, Killian really struggled to get along with the new puppy at home. After those three weeks though, Killian started to adjust and play with the puppy. They are now buds. Plus, between my day job and coaching I cannot be home during the day to take care of my boy and he has too many special needs with his paralysis to send him to doggy daycare (not even addressing the hefty price that would be.)
So for now, we will stay home, and appreciate the love and support supplied by the most caring family. I needed to make a change though, so I broke out the power tools and the paint. Afterall, I had an entire house worth of plants that needed to fit into one bedroom. I took some inspiration from my favorite rooms we had redone at Matt's house and made them my own. Dark, chocolate brown drapes an accent wall and the ceiling; a warm taupe covers all the other walls and trim and doors; the lack of a headboard is replaced with a golden archway that features metal poppy themed artwork. I turned my closet into my poetry corner, featuring framed poems as well as poetry books. I am still planning a few additions, and a full redo of the office space that the family has let me claim, but those will come with future paychecks. Though I fully miss the beautiful office we created together in the last house, I am happy to go through this process on my own and figure out what I want without another influence.
Something I never thought I would be capable of is getting a tattoo. For reference, every vaccine I ever got up until the covid vaccines made me pass out. On my eighteenth birthday, I went to Claire's with my college roommate to get my ears pierced and passed out on the floor. I have a long history of unconscious moments and was so worried that I would faint almost immediately upon the tattoo needles doing their thing. I was prepared for that scenario: snacks, a friend to distract me, puppy videos on my phone for a serotonin boost, gum to keep me busy, and a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol to wake my senses back up. However, a perfect combination of things prevented my anxiety from overtaking my control of consciousness. The tattoo artist is a close friend who made the entire process smooth, judgement-free, and fun. I was so ready for this and didn't let the nerves transform into anxiety. I used some positive self-talk to pump myself up. I also used numbing cream in advance and it worked wonders. I barely felt the tattoo occasionally and most of the time didn't feel it at all! Though getting a tattoo post breakup is hardly revolutionary, for me it was a decision that came from a bravery I had lacked in the past. This tattoo is a permanent reminder of who I am at my core and allows me to feel just a little bit cooler.
I am trying to take the things I love and find realistic ways to incorporate them into my life. I entered some poems into a poetry contest. For the longest time, I really only shared my poems with Matt as they were often gifts for him or little notes I left to let him know I was thinking of him. Now, I am branching out to spread them with more people. Though I know I will not win, I feel proud putting myself out there. I am planning a solo trip for myself later this year to spend some time adventuring, relaxing, and experiencing an environment I have dreamed of visiting for a while (later blog to follow.) Hopefully the confidence I developed throughout our relationship continues to grow beyond what I thought possible now that I don't have the crutch of leaning on someone else.
Each day brings a new set of emotions, realizations, self-discoveries, braveries, insecurities, and changes. I have to force myself to push through sometimes and I really need to rely on positive self-talk in the future because I have been extremely negative in the last two months. There are so many people who have been there for me to lean on recently and I am incredibly grateful for them every day. Breaking up truly is hard to do, but finding yourself through the trauma is turning out to be a motivational experience.
Perfect 👌